A Dream Realized

Adoption was just finalized!



I love swinging!





First taste of acorns









Mommy and Joe

I'll admit it! I'm horrible at keeping up with a blog, photo site, scrap-book,  etc.  It's not that I don't want to, or can't think of anything to write.  I just never seem to find the time to sit down at the computer and put my thoughts in order.  My last post was in June 2010, the night before the termination hearing for our then foster baby, Baby J.  I wanted so much for everyone to have peace in the situation.  We went to the hearing, thinking everything would go smoothly, parental rights would be terminated and we could move forward with his adoption.  Little did we know that the state had other ideas.  We were shocked and upset to learn that we weren't the automatic first choice to be his forever family.  Even though we had cared for and loved him since he was two days old, it was possible we could still lose him.  Baby J has a sister in Texas, and the state was thinking of placing them together, despite the fact that they had never been together.  His sister was 11 months older than him and had been in foster care since she was 3 months old.  We thought that logically it made no sense for him to be placed with strangers, but logic has no place when you are dealing with the foster care system.  After much discussion, a staffing with the adoption specialist, caseworker, attorney ad litem and DHS attorney we decided to take matters into our own hands.  We had been given the names  and email addresses of the family who had Baby J's sister and were planning to adopt her.  I emailed them, but received no response.  I looked up their telephone number and gave them a call to plead our case.  The initial phone call was awkward, as they were not expecting us to call them.  A few nights later, they called us back to let us know that they did not want to take Baby J from us, they just wanted to keep a relationship with us for the sake of the children.  We all agreed to keep in touch.  In fact, we went to Texas to meet them in August.  As it turns out, the adoption specialist had contacted them about taking Baby J, and they had informed her they didn't want to disrupt his current placement.  The meeting that day went so well.  It was as if we had known them for a long time.  We have kept in close touch with them by email, and they even came for Baby J's birthday party in November.  Once DHS understood the best place for Baby J was with us, things started to happen.  A court date for the adoption was set for November 16th.  We were asked to complete paperwork and give them what Baby J's new name would be.  However, the court date was postponed due to the judge going on medical leave.  The new court date was set for December 7.  My mom, brother and sister-in-law made plans to come for the adoption hearing.  It was a day filled with excitement, anticipation and nervousness.  We didn't want to celebrate completely until the judge decreed the adoption would be granted.  We both had to testify before the court and state that we wanted Baby J.  It was hard to get through that without crying.  However, the judge finally granted the adoption!  Baby J was ours forever!  The tears of joy would not stop!  We were so blessed!  We finally had our baby that we had wanted for so long!  God is so good!  Now we are the proud, legal parents of Joseph Samuel Carroll Sharpe!    We have gone through so much heartache to get to this place, but we know God has been there with us.  Sometimes walking beside us, sometimes carrying us, always preparing the way for us.  Our dream has been realized, and we give Him all the glory! 





Daddy and Joe



Joe and Nana



 

Aunt Laura, Uncle Chris, Mommy and Joe



Something to Be Thankful For

What a long few days it has been.  This was supposed to be a relaxing Thanksgiving week, but it turned into a scary and stressful time.  On Tuesday night, Baby J started running a fever which for a then 15 day old baby is very concerning.  We did our best to keep him comfortable through the night, and by the next morning at 6:30, it was back down to normal.  He had not shown any other signs of being sick, and I hoped that it was just a 12 hour virus, but by 9:00, it was back up again.  I called the doctor's office who wanted him to go to the emergency room right away.  That in itself scared me, because I didn't want to think he was that sick.  We got to the emergency room  by 10:30 where the doctors started a series of tests to find out the source of the fever.  They had to stick him 3 different times to get a blood sample, insert a catheter for a urine sample and attempt a lumbar puncture to rule out meningitis.  Poor baby!  It was hard to watch him go through all of that at such a young age.  Unfortunately, they couldn't get any spinal fluid in the e.r.  I guess he just didn't want to share!  We were admitted and taken upstairs to an insolation room until the possibility of meningitis could be ruled out.  He was on an i.v. with 3 different kinds of antibiotics.  Thankfully, he was still eating well on his own so I was able to continue giving him his bottle.  I had no phone service while we were in the e.r. so I hadn't been able to call Randy to let him know what was happening until we were taken to a room. 

The next few days were so scary, not knowing what was wrong and having to watch him be poked with needles to get more blood and attempt more lumbar punctures.  Finally, it was determined that he had a urinary tract infection, but nothing more serious than that.  We were told at 7:30 Sunday morning that we would be released to come home by 12:00.  Prayers of desperation days before turned into prayers of thanksgiving.  I called Randy and my family to let them know the good news.  I'm so thankful for everyone at the hospital who took care of us, everyone who prayed for us, and most of all God who sees our worries and cares for us. 

Waiting, waiting, waiting.....

Here we are, the night before our termination of parental rights hearing.  I'm trying to be calm, trying not to be anxious, trying to just be in the moment.....  Sometimes the harder you try, the harder it is.  I didn't sleep good last night, crazy dreams that had bits of reality woven into a web of insanity.  On one hand, we've waited so long for this day since starting our journey into foster care 2 years ago.  It's been even longer since we made the decision to be proactive about starting a family.  It was five years ago that we sought help with fertility issues only to be hurt and disappointed when nothing worked.  On the other hand, it's only been 7 1/2 months since we brought home Baby J.  The time has gone by so quickly that I'm afraid to blink and miss a precious moment. 

I feel as if I'm wishing time away, waiting for the day when Baby J is ours forever.  There will be no more case workers, no more home visits, no more worries about losing him.  At the same time, I can already see him changing, becoming more independent, learning new things everyday.  He's losing his tiny baby status and turning into a "big boy" before our very eyes.  We've been so blessed to be witnesses to this miracle. 

Randy was able to experience his first Father's Day yesterday.  How I've wanted him to be able to have that!  I put together a book of pictures with him and Baby J on Shutterfly with a poem about being a father.  Baby J and I also attempted to make a t-shirt for him with hand and foot prints on it, but I forgot how hard it was to do that with a baby.  I know that Randy loved it, anyway.  He can't wait to wear it.  He's a proud daddy; it's so obvious by the expression on his face!  I hope that we will always cherish these moments and never take for granted the gift we've been given. 

Tonight, I pray for peace-peaceful rest for all of us and a sense of peace that will surround us as we wait for our biggest dream to be fulfilled.  I know it is obvious by the title of my blog that Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite Bible verses.  I want to end my post with more of that passage.  Jeremiah 29:11-13 states, "'For I know the plans I have for you, ' says the Lord.  'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.'" Psalm 37:4 states, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desire."  Oh, Lord, let my greatest desire be drawing closer to You.  More than my desire for children, more than anything, let it be You. 

Everlasting Grace

Well, here I am again, trying to be better about updating my blog more regularly.  The thing is, sometimes I have to wait a long time before I have things to say.  It's not that I couldn't fill pages about the latest thing Baby J is doing, but somehow, I want the purpose of this blog to be about more than that.  When I started blogging, it was more as a therapeutic way for me to express my grief over our inability to have our own family.  Also, we were grieving over the loss of our first foster baby, whom we had hoped to keep forever.  I wanted this blog to help other people who might be going through the same emotional journey as we are.  That's why I don't want this to become a "bragging forum" about things Baby J does or says.  There are better and more appropriate places for me to do that.  Don't get me wrong.  We love him with all our hearts, and we hope to be his forever family. 

Having said that, I know what it feels like to listen to other people talk about their children when you don't have any but want them so desperately.  It hurts.  You feel jealous, angry, bitter and mostly sad that you don't have the one thing you want most in the world.  You want to cry out to God and ask, "Why?!  Why is this happening to us?  Why aren't we worthy?  Are we being punished?"  In your head, you know that's not true, but your heart hurts so much, it's your first instinct to blame Someone.  After all, there are people everyday who have children that they don't want, can't or won't take care of, etc.  Just look at the foster care system.  Why are they blessed with one of the most precious gifts you could ever receive?  I don't know.  That question had plagued me for years, and I'm sure I won't get the answer this side of heaven.  The thing is, if I've learned anything from this most painful process, God will see you through it.  I know that's an easy thing to say, but it's a hard lesson to learn.  He doesn't always let us have our way because He knows the painful outcome that can sometimes bring.  He wants us to come to Him, giving everything over to Him without trying to rip it out of His hands again when we don't get what we want.  Believe me, I've been very guilty of that, and I still am many times.  There's a reason the Bible compares us to children.  That's exactly the way we act.  We pout, throw tantrums, "have a fit" when things don't go the way we want.  We give the broken "toy" to our Father to fix, only to snatch it away when it's not fixed right away.  As I get older, and hopefully more mature as a Christian, I want to learn to turn things over to Him fully and let them go.  It's a lesson that He continues to try to teach me daily.  At times, I prove to be a very difficult student.  Thankfully, His patience with me never goes away. 

Right on Time

Obviously, keeping up with my blog on a regular basis is not going to be my strong suit.  My last post was in late November 2009, and it is now June 3, 2010.  So many things have happened in our lives over the last 6 1/2 months.  Baby J is still with us, and every day he brings us so much joy.  Every morning we pray a prayer of thankfulness that we've been able to keep him thus far, and ask God to grant us our wish of becoming a forever family for him. 

Since my last post, we've endured a 3 day hospital stay over Thanksgiving for what turned out to be a UTI.  Baby J and I took our first road trip by going to Mississippi to see my sister get married in December.  We enjoyed his first Christmas together as a family.  Of course, we've taken more pictures than we can possibly ever have enough scrapbooks for.  The new year brought us his first Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day and Easter.  With that came the first experience with rice cereal and then baby food.  He's learned to roll over, babble, pull himself forward on his stomach and is working on learning to sit by himself.  We've gone to 2 more court hearings, one in December and one in March.  The next one is on June 22, which is supposed to be a termination of parental rights hearing.  We are hoping that the adoption process will move quickly after the termination.

We can't imagine what our lives would have been like without him.  It seems as though our journey to become parents has taken many twists and turns.  Some we took eagerly, and others we had to be dragged down "kicking and screaming".  As I was sitting in church last Sunday, I flipped to a passage in my Bible from Romans.  The scripture reference was Romans 4:17-20.  Our pastor had previously preached a sermon on this passage entitled "How to Keep Believing While You're Waiting on God".  At the end of his sermon, he said that he felt this message was for the families that wanted to have children and be parents but hadn't had the chance yet. He prayed a special prayer for them.  I noted the date of the sermon next to the passage in my Bible.  From time to time, I would look at it again, pleading with God to grant us a child and wondering why our prayers hadn't been answered.  This past Sunday as I looked at it again, I took notice of the date of the sermon.  The date was November 9, 2003.  Baby J had been born on November 9, 2009.  I'm not usually the type of person that puts much stock in dates, numbers, etc. having any hidden meaning.  This time, however, I'm putting my trust in the fact that God knows what we've been through and where our lives are going.  He knew 6 1/2 years ago how much we wanted to be parents, just as he knows today.  He knew the struggles that we would go through along our journey and that we would eventually turn to becoming foster parents as a way to build our family.  He also knew that we would receive a phone call on November 6, 2009 to take a baby boy who would need a loving, stable home.  That baby boy would be born 3 days later, and we would bring him home and love him more than we ever thought possible. 

There have been so many times I've asked God "why".  Why are we still waiting for children?  Why are there people in the world who can have so many children, none of whom will be loved or wanted?  Why has this happened to us?  I don't know that I'll ever have all the answers to those questions.  There is one thing that I do know, however.  Baby J came into our lives at just the right time.  God knew when we would be ready for him.  We had to mourn the loss of Baby D and help other children along the way, whether it was for a few days or months.  His timing, although hard to understand, is always right on time. 

On to New Adventures

Wow, keeping up with a blog is obviously not my strong suit.  It's been almost 2 months since I've written, and so many things have happened since then.  Referring back to my last entry, Randy and I really enjoyed our weekend "child free".  It was nice getting to spend some time together without the interruptions of a 2 and 3 year old.  Moving into October, the little girl's behavior continued to deteriorate.  I worked hard to get a mental health appointment for her in the hope that we would make some headway.  However, the first available appointment was not until November 2.  We decided to push ahead, knowing that things would probably get much worse before they got better.  On a happier note, we got to spend Halloween with Little D, her siblings and new foster family.  It was such a joy to see her again after so long, but it was also bittersweet knowing that we'd missed out on much of her life over the last few months.  At first, she didn't recognize us, but after a few moments, she was her old self.  She has grown so much and has so much hair now!  Getting to trick or treat with her and spend time with her gave us some of the closure that we needed.  Her foster family is so nice, and they truly want the best for all of the children.  I'm so grateful that we've developed a relationship with them.  I think they will be good friends for many years to come. 

I attended the mental health intake appointment with "A" on Monday, November 2.  After discussing the many behaviors we were seeing on a daily basis, the Mental Health Professional diagnosed her with ADHD, Disruptive Behavior Disorder and R/O Reactive Attachment Disorder.  None of those diagnoses suprised me.  I'd been saying for months that she needed more help than Randy and I could give her.  After faxing the information to her caseworker, I received a phone call from her.  She asked what we wanted to do as far as continuing the placement or moving the children.  Randy and I had already discussed not being able to handle "A's" behavior much longer.  We really wanted to keep "H", but DHS did not want to split them.  The next morning, the caseworker called me with the news that a new home had been found for them.  As much as we were ready for them to be moved, I don't think we were prepared for the feelings of guilt that we experienced.  It felt as if we were giving up on them and just adding to an already broken system.  Packing their things their last night and the next morning was harder than I thought it would be.  Dropping them off at daycare for the last time was very difficult for me.  I had gotten pretty attached to "H", and it broke my heart to leave him there, but in the end it was for the best.  They were moved on November 4. 

On  Friday, November 6, I had already been scheduled to be off work.  It was Randy's day off as well.  We spent the day just relaxing, going out for lunch, running errands, etc.  Around 2:00 that afternoon, we received a call from our adoption specialist telling me that she was missing our updated physical forms from our file.  I told her I could fax them to her, but I was very irritated that it had taken her almost 4 months to go through our file to look for missing information.  Knowing that we usually got results from calling the "top people" in foster care, Randy placed a call to someone in the head office explaining our situation and voicing our frustration.  Less than 2 hours later, we received a call from an investigator asking if we would be interested in taking a baby who was due to be born in a couple of weeks.  The baby's mother is currently in jail.  I told her that we were very interested, but we would like to have more information about the situation.  She told me that she would find out more and call me on the following Monday.  Although we would love to have a newborn, our past experience with DHS has not been the most positive one.  We've been told about available babies before, only to have the opportunity snatched away for whatever reason. 

All day Monday I anticipated the phone call, but by 3:00, I had not heard anything.  I decided to call her back myself.  She said, "I'm glad you called.  The baby was born over the weekend.  Can you pick him up at the hospital tomorrow, or do you need us to bring him to you?"  My first reaction was disbelief.  I hadn't expected to hear anything, much less this soon!  I called Randy to let him know what was happening.  We were both excited, but also guarded.  We've already been through so much hurt and disappointment, we didn't think we could go through it again.  I made arrangements at work to leave early the next day so that we could pick him up from the hospital.  We were supposed to pick him up around 1:00, but we couldn't wait that long, so we went to the hospital around 12:30.  Unfortunately, we weren't able to bring him home that day due to his sugar levels being too low as a result of the mother's diabetes.  We did get to spend a couple of hours with him in the NICU holding him.  While it was disappointing not to be able to bring him home that day, we wanted him to be healthy.  That night I called the hospital to check on him, and the nurse said he was doing well.  I called several times the next morning, as well.  We got the good news that his sugar levels were in the safe range and we could come get him. 

On Wednesday, November 11, "Little J" came home with us.  He has a head full of brown hair and dark blue eyes (for now).  He weighed 7 lbs. 12 oz. and was 20 1/4" long.  He was born on November 9 at 3:22 a.m.  The experience of having a new born baby is quite different than getting one who is 8 months old.  Being awake every 2 hours for him to eat is the biggest change.  I really love my sleep, but when he's hungry, he won't wait.  Randy has been wonderful with him.  He holds him, rocks him, talks to him.  It's so sweet to watch.  "Little J" is such a good baby.  He only cries when he's hungry or when his diaper is being changed.  Other than that, he's a very content baby.  He's actually laughed out loud in his sleep already, which was so cute. 

We've attended the first court hearing for him.  It was called a "probable cause hearing" to determine that, yes, he needs to be in foster care at this time.  The parents don't have a great track record with the law or being parents to their other children, so we're hoping that will work in our favor.  We're already becoming more and more attached to him, and I know that to lose another child might be more than we can stand.  Everyone we know is praying for us and "Little J" in the hope that we get to keep him and raise him in the loving, stable home he deserves.  We go back to court on December 22.  At that point, a case plan will probably be created for him.  We've been clinging to Jeremiah 29:11 for ourselves, but now we claim it as the verse for "Little J".  God has a plan for all of us, and we must trust Him to carry out that plan to give everyone involved "a future and a hope".

Rest for the Weary

This is going to sound really bad, but I've so been looking forward to this weekend when our 2 foster children are in respite care. We've had them for 12 weeks now without any kind of break, and we are really worn to a frazzle. When we first got them, I kept telling people that it was like trying to tame wild mustangs. I don't think that's entirely accurate. Now it's more like walking through a landmine. You never know what will set off their tempers until you have a huge explosion. Bedtime is extremely tough because they don't want to go to bed, which results in a tantrum. They don't sleep past 5:30 in the morning no matter what time they go to sleep. There have been so many days when I've wanted to throw in the towel. I've cried many times, saying over and over that we can't do this anymore.

We want to have children so much and be parents, but it just shouldn't be this hard. We filled out everything for an adoption through DHS, but we know that we'll probably never get a baby through them. What we want most is to get "D", our first baby girl back, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen, either. We are almost finished with our application to the private adoption agency, and I am going through pictures to decide which ones to include in our profile book. I just hope that one day we will see results from all this work. I try to have faith in the fact that God has a plan for us, but the daily grind of it all is exhausting. On top of that, there are several people at work who are having babies, which makes it that much more difficult. It's something that other people can't understand unless they have been through it themselves. You really want to be happy for others when they are having a baby, but it just brings all of your feelings about your inability to have a child to the surface. I feel jealous, inadequate, cheated, and most of all sad. I pray for peace and understanding. Sometimes it comes more quickly than other times. Most of all, however, I continue to cling to the promises of Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:20-28.