Well, here I am again, trying to be better about updating my blog more regularly. The thing is, sometimes I have to wait a long time before I have things to say. It's not that I couldn't fill pages about the latest thing Baby J is doing, but somehow, I want the purpose of this blog to be about more than that. When I started blogging, it was more as a therapeutic way for me to express my grief over our inability to have our own family. Also, we were grieving over the loss of our first foster baby, whom we had hoped to keep forever. I wanted this blog to help other people who might be going through the same emotional journey as we are. That's why I don't want this to become a "bragging forum" about things Baby J does or says. There are better and more appropriate places for me to do that. Don't get me wrong. We love him with all our hearts, and we hope to be his forever family.
Having said that, I know what it feels like to listen to other people talk about their children when you don't have any but want them so desperately. It hurts. You feel jealous, angry, bitter and mostly sad that you don't have the one thing you want most in the world. You want to cry out to God and ask, "Why?! Why is this happening to us? Why aren't we worthy? Are we being punished?" In your head, you know that's not true, but your heart hurts so much, it's your first instinct to blame Someone. After all, there are people everyday who have children that they don't want, can't or won't take care of, etc. Just look at the foster care system. Why are they blessed with one of the most precious gifts you could ever receive? I don't know. That question had plagued me for years, and I'm sure I won't get the answer this side of heaven. The thing is, if I've learned anything from this most painful process, God will see you through it. I know that's an easy thing to say, but it's a hard lesson to learn. He doesn't always let us have our way because He knows the painful outcome that can sometimes bring. He wants us to come to Him, giving everything over to Him without trying to rip it out of His hands again when we don't get what we want. Believe me, I've been very guilty of that, and I still am many times. There's a reason the Bible compares us to children. That's exactly the way we act. We pout, throw tantrums, "have a fit" when things don't go the way we want. We give the broken "toy" to our Father to fix, only to snatch it away when it's not fixed right away. As I get older, and hopefully more mature as a Christian, I want to learn to turn things over to Him fully and let them go. It's a lesson that He continues to try to teach me daily. At times, I prove to be a very difficult student. Thankfully, His patience with me never goes away.
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