This is going to sound really bad, but I've so been looking forward to this weekend when our 2 foster children are in respite care. We've had them for 12 weeks now without any kind of break, and we are really worn to a frazzle. When we first got them, I kept telling people that it was like trying to tame wild mustangs. I don't think that's entirely accurate. Now it's more like walking through a landmine. You never know what will set off their tempers until you have a huge explosion. Bedtime is extremely tough because they don't want to go to bed, which results in a tantrum. They don't sleep past 5:30 in the morning no matter what time they go to sleep. There have been so many days when I've wanted to throw in the towel. I've cried many times, saying over and over that we can't do this anymore.
We want to have children so much and be parents, but it just shouldn't be this hard. We filled out everything for an adoption through DHS, but we know that we'll probably never get a baby through them. What we want most is to get "D", our first baby girl back, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen, either. We are almost finished with our application to the private adoption agency, and I am going through pictures to decide which ones to include in our profile book. I just hope that one day we will see results from all this work. I try to have faith in the fact that God has a plan for us, but the daily grind of it all is exhausting. On top of that, there are several people at work who are having babies, which makes it that much more difficult. It's something that other people can't understand unless they have been through it themselves. You really want to be happy for others when they are having a baby, but it just brings all of your feelings about your inability to have a child to the surface. I feel jealous, inadequate, cheated, and most of all sad. I pray for peace and understanding. Sometimes it comes more quickly than other times. Most of all, however, I continue to cling to the promises of Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:20-28.
