What a long few days it has been. This was supposed to be a relaxing Thanksgiving week, but it turned into a scary and stressful time. On Tuesday night, Baby J started running a fever which for a then 15 day old baby is very concerning. We did our best to keep him comfortable through the night, and by the next morning at 6:30, it was back down to normal. He had not shown any other signs of being sick, and I hoped that it was just a 12 hour virus, but by 9:00, it was back up again. I called the doctor's office who wanted him to go to the emergency room right away. That in itself scared me, because I didn't want to think he was that sick. We got to the emergency room by 10:30 where the doctors started a series of tests to find out the source of the fever. They had to stick him 3 different times to get a blood sample, insert a catheter for a urine sample and attempt a lumbar puncture to rule out meningitis. Poor baby! It was hard to watch him go through all of that at such a young age. Unfortunately, they couldn't get any spinal fluid in the e.r. I guess he just didn't want to share! We were admitted and taken upstairs to an insolation room until the possibility of meningitis could be ruled out. He was on an i.v. with 3 different kinds of antibiotics. Thankfully, he was still eating well on his own so I was able to continue giving him his bottle. I had no phone service while we were in the e.r. so I hadn't been able to call Randy to let him know what was happening until we were taken to a room.
The next few days were so scary, not knowing what was wrong and having to watch him be poked with needles to get more blood and attempt more lumbar punctures. Finally, it was determined that he had a urinary tract infection, but nothing more serious than that. We were told at 7:30 Sunday morning that we would be released to come home by 12:00. Prayers of desperation days before turned into prayers of thanksgiving. I called Randy and my family to let them know the good news. I'm so thankful for everyone at the hospital who took care of us, everyone who prayed for us, and most of all God who sees our worries and cares for us.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Waiting, waiting, waiting.....
Here we are, the night before our termination of parental rights hearing. I'm trying to be calm, trying not to be anxious, trying to just be in the moment..... Sometimes the harder you try, the harder it is. I didn't sleep good last night, crazy dreams that had bits of reality woven into a web of insanity. On one hand, we've waited so long for this day since starting our journey into foster care 2 years ago. It's been even longer since we made the decision to be proactive about starting a family. It was five years ago that we sought help with fertility issues only to be hurt and disappointed when nothing worked. On the other hand, it's only been 7 1/2 months since we brought home Baby J. The time has gone by so quickly that I'm afraid to blink and miss a precious moment.
I feel as if I'm wishing time away, waiting for the day when Baby J is ours forever. There will be no more case workers, no more home visits, no more worries about losing him. At the same time, I can already see him changing, becoming more independent, learning new things everyday. He's losing his tiny baby status and turning into a "big boy" before our very eyes. We've been so blessed to be witnesses to this miracle.
Randy was able to experience his first Father's Day yesterday. How I've wanted him to be able to have that! I put together a book of pictures with him and Baby J on Shutterfly with a poem about being a father. Baby J and I also attempted to make a t-shirt for him with hand and foot prints on it, but I forgot how hard it was to do that with a baby. I know that Randy loved it, anyway. He can't wait to wear it. He's a proud daddy; it's so obvious by the expression on his face! I hope that we will always cherish these moments and never take for granted the gift we've been given.
Tonight, I pray for peace-peaceful rest for all of us and a sense of peace that will surround us as we wait for our biggest dream to be fulfilled. I know it is obvious by the title of my blog that Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite Bible verses. I want to end my post with more of that passage. Jeremiah 29:11-13 states, "'For I know the plans I have for you, ' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.'" Psalm 37:4 states, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desire." Oh, Lord, let my greatest desire be drawing closer to You. More than my desire for children, more than anything, let it be You.
I feel as if I'm wishing time away, waiting for the day when Baby J is ours forever. There will be no more case workers, no more home visits, no more worries about losing him. At the same time, I can already see him changing, becoming more independent, learning new things everyday. He's losing his tiny baby status and turning into a "big boy" before our very eyes. We've been so blessed to be witnesses to this miracle.
Randy was able to experience his first Father's Day yesterday. How I've wanted him to be able to have that! I put together a book of pictures with him and Baby J on Shutterfly with a poem about being a father. Baby J and I also attempted to make a t-shirt for him with hand and foot prints on it, but I forgot how hard it was to do that with a baby. I know that Randy loved it, anyway. He can't wait to wear it. He's a proud daddy; it's so obvious by the expression on his face! I hope that we will always cherish these moments and never take for granted the gift we've been given.
Tonight, I pray for peace-peaceful rest for all of us and a sense of peace that will surround us as we wait for our biggest dream to be fulfilled. I know it is obvious by the title of my blog that Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite Bible verses. I want to end my post with more of that passage. Jeremiah 29:11-13 states, "'For I know the plans I have for you, ' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.'" Psalm 37:4 states, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desire." Oh, Lord, let my greatest desire be drawing closer to You. More than my desire for children, more than anything, let it be You.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Everlasting Grace
Well, here I am again, trying to be better about updating my blog more regularly. The thing is, sometimes I have to wait a long time before I have things to say. It's not that I couldn't fill pages about the latest thing Baby J is doing, but somehow, I want the purpose of this blog to be about more than that. When I started blogging, it was more as a therapeutic way for me to express my grief over our inability to have our own family. Also, we were grieving over the loss of our first foster baby, whom we had hoped to keep forever. I wanted this blog to help other people who might be going through the same emotional journey as we are. That's why I don't want this to become a "bragging forum" about things Baby J does or says. There are better and more appropriate places for me to do that. Don't get me wrong. We love him with all our hearts, and we hope to be his forever family.
Having said that, I know what it feels like to listen to other people talk about their children when you don't have any but want them so desperately. It hurts. You feel jealous, angry, bitter and mostly sad that you don't have the one thing you want most in the world. You want to cry out to God and ask, "Why?! Why is this happening to us? Why aren't we worthy? Are we being punished?" In your head, you know that's not true, but your heart hurts so much, it's your first instinct to blame Someone. After all, there are people everyday who have children that they don't want, can't or won't take care of, etc. Just look at the foster care system. Why are they blessed with one of the most precious gifts you could ever receive? I don't know. That question had plagued me for years, and I'm sure I won't get the answer this side of heaven. The thing is, if I've learned anything from this most painful process, God will see you through it. I know that's an easy thing to say, but it's a hard lesson to learn. He doesn't always let us have our way because He knows the painful outcome that can sometimes bring. He wants us to come to Him, giving everything over to Him without trying to rip it out of His hands again when we don't get what we want. Believe me, I've been very guilty of that, and I still am many times. There's a reason the Bible compares us to children. That's exactly the way we act. We pout, throw tantrums, "have a fit" when things don't go the way we want. We give the broken "toy" to our Father to fix, only to snatch it away when it's not fixed right away. As I get older, and hopefully more mature as a Christian, I want to learn to turn things over to Him fully and let them go. It's a lesson that He continues to try to teach me daily. At times, I prove to be a very difficult student. Thankfully, His patience with me never goes away.
Having said that, I know what it feels like to listen to other people talk about their children when you don't have any but want them so desperately. It hurts. You feel jealous, angry, bitter and mostly sad that you don't have the one thing you want most in the world. You want to cry out to God and ask, "Why?! Why is this happening to us? Why aren't we worthy? Are we being punished?" In your head, you know that's not true, but your heart hurts so much, it's your first instinct to blame Someone. After all, there are people everyday who have children that they don't want, can't or won't take care of, etc. Just look at the foster care system. Why are they blessed with one of the most precious gifts you could ever receive? I don't know. That question had plagued me for years, and I'm sure I won't get the answer this side of heaven. The thing is, if I've learned anything from this most painful process, God will see you through it. I know that's an easy thing to say, but it's a hard lesson to learn. He doesn't always let us have our way because He knows the painful outcome that can sometimes bring. He wants us to come to Him, giving everything over to Him without trying to rip it out of His hands again when we don't get what we want. Believe me, I've been very guilty of that, and I still am many times. There's a reason the Bible compares us to children. That's exactly the way we act. We pout, throw tantrums, "have a fit" when things don't go the way we want. We give the broken "toy" to our Father to fix, only to snatch it away when it's not fixed right away. As I get older, and hopefully more mature as a Christian, I want to learn to turn things over to Him fully and let them go. It's a lesson that He continues to try to teach me daily. At times, I prove to be a very difficult student. Thankfully, His patience with me never goes away.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Right on Time
Obviously, keeping up with my blog on a regular basis is not going to be my strong suit. My last post was in late November 2009, and it is now June 3, 2010. So many things have happened in our lives over the last 6 1/2 months. Baby J is still with us, and every day he brings us so much joy. Every morning we pray a prayer of thankfulness that we've been able to keep him thus far, and ask God to grant us our wish of becoming a forever family for him.
Since my last post, we've endured a 3 day hospital stay over Thanksgiving for what turned out to be a UTI. Baby J and I took our first road trip by going to Mississippi to see my sister get married in December. We enjoyed his first Christmas together as a family. Of course, we've taken more pictures than we can possibly ever have enough scrapbooks for. The new year brought us his first Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day and Easter. With that came the first experience with rice cereal and then baby food. He's learned to roll over, babble, pull himself forward on his stomach and is working on learning to sit by himself. We've gone to 2 more court hearings, one in December and one in March. The next one is on June 22, which is supposed to be a termination of parental rights hearing. We are hoping that the adoption process will move quickly after the termination.
We can't imagine what our lives would have been like without him. It seems as though our journey to become parents has taken many twists and turns. Some we took eagerly, and others we had to be dragged down "kicking and screaming". As I was sitting in church last Sunday, I flipped to a passage in my Bible from Romans. The scripture reference was Romans 4:17-20. Our pastor had previously preached a sermon on this passage entitled "How to Keep Believing While You're Waiting on God". At the end of his sermon, he said that he felt this message was for the families that wanted to have children and be parents but hadn't had the chance yet. He prayed a special prayer for them. I noted the date of the sermon next to the passage in my Bible. From time to time, I would look at it again, pleading with God to grant us a child and wondering why our prayers hadn't been answered. This past Sunday as I looked at it again, I took notice of the date of the sermon. The date was November 9, 2003. Baby J had been born on November 9, 2009. I'm not usually the type of person that puts much stock in dates, numbers, etc. having any hidden meaning. This time, however, I'm putting my trust in the fact that God knows what we've been through and where our lives are going. He knew 6 1/2 years ago how much we wanted to be parents, just as he knows today. He knew the struggles that we would go through along our journey and that we would eventually turn to becoming foster parents as a way to build our family. He also knew that we would receive a phone call on November 6, 2009 to take a baby boy who would need a loving, stable home. That baby boy would be born 3 days later, and we would bring him home and love him more than we ever thought possible.
There have been so many times I've asked God "why". Why are we still waiting for children? Why are there people in the world who can have so many children, none of whom will be loved or wanted? Why has this happened to us? I don't know that I'll ever have all the answers to those questions. There is one thing that I do know, however. Baby J came into our lives at just the right time. God knew when we would be ready for him. We had to mourn the loss of Baby D and help other children along the way, whether it was for a few days or months. His timing, although hard to understand, is always right on time.
Since my last post, we've endured a 3 day hospital stay over Thanksgiving for what turned out to be a UTI. Baby J and I took our first road trip by going to Mississippi to see my sister get married in December. We enjoyed his first Christmas together as a family. Of course, we've taken more pictures than we can possibly ever have enough scrapbooks for. The new year brought us his first Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day and Easter. With that came the first experience with rice cereal and then baby food. He's learned to roll over, babble, pull himself forward on his stomach and is working on learning to sit by himself. We've gone to 2 more court hearings, one in December and one in March. The next one is on June 22, which is supposed to be a termination of parental rights hearing. We are hoping that the adoption process will move quickly after the termination.
We can't imagine what our lives would have been like without him. It seems as though our journey to become parents has taken many twists and turns. Some we took eagerly, and others we had to be dragged down "kicking and screaming". As I was sitting in church last Sunday, I flipped to a passage in my Bible from Romans. The scripture reference was Romans 4:17-20. Our pastor had previously preached a sermon on this passage entitled "How to Keep Believing While You're Waiting on God". At the end of his sermon, he said that he felt this message was for the families that wanted to have children and be parents but hadn't had the chance yet. He prayed a special prayer for them. I noted the date of the sermon next to the passage in my Bible. From time to time, I would look at it again, pleading with God to grant us a child and wondering why our prayers hadn't been answered. This past Sunday as I looked at it again, I took notice of the date of the sermon. The date was November 9, 2003. Baby J had been born on November 9, 2009. I'm not usually the type of person that puts much stock in dates, numbers, etc. having any hidden meaning. This time, however, I'm putting my trust in the fact that God knows what we've been through and where our lives are going. He knew 6 1/2 years ago how much we wanted to be parents, just as he knows today. He knew the struggles that we would go through along our journey and that we would eventually turn to becoming foster parents as a way to build our family. He also knew that we would receive a phone call on November 6, 2009 to take a baby boy who would need a loving, stable home. That baby boy would be born 3 days later, and we would bring him home and love him more than we ever thought possible.
There have been so many times I've asked God "why". Why are we still waiting for children? Why are there people in the world who can have so many children, none of whom will be loved or wanted? Why has this happened to us? I don't know that I'll ever have all the answers to those questions. There is one thing that I do know, however. Baby J came into our lives at just the right time. God knew when we would be ready for him. We had to mourn the loss of Baby D and help other children along the way, whether it was for a few days or months. His timing, although hard to understand, is always right on time.
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